Topless Rockstars

I had a dream last night that I became best friends with Lindsay Lohan.  She decided that she didn’t want to drink or do drugs, be around anyone that did, or be bothered by the paparazzi, so I said that if she hung out with me, none of that would happen.

Basically we just walked around Jordan Station, and sat at bleachers behind a concert stage and looked at the ocean.  We even held hands once, I think.  

You know when you go to the doctor’s office and before the dr. comes in there is a nurse comes in and asks you questions and types it in a computer for a doctor? Yeah, how awesome is it when it’s a girl you went to highschool with?

’so, I guess the *medication brand* isn’t working out for you too well, eh?’
‘no, not really’
‘are you still experiencing *embarassing side effect*?’

Oh yeah, cool fucking beans. It’s also sweet to leave the dr.’s office and see your ex boyfriend waiting outside. Still shaken that you shared information you’ve told 3 people about with someone you hated for 10 years your ex goes ‘You don’t look well, are you ok? Are you healthy?’

So you do the ‘just a checkup, had a busy day blahblah’ business and he informs you that he’s waiting for highschool-nurse to finish work because they’re going out for dinner after.

HEY SWEET I’D LOVE TO JOIN… WE CAN TALK ABOUT MY BOWELS SINCE THAT IS THE ONLY THING I HAVE TALKED TO HER ABOUT IN A CIVIL FASHION EVER IN MY LIFE.

Thanks for consistently sticking your tail up my nose when I was home in bed all day. You rekindled my passion for hating everything and also reactivated a sinus infection.

Jerk.

Every so often, Katie will send me e-mails with the subject “TO BLOG”. Up until today, I didn’t really know what to do with these e-mails, aside from laugh at the contents of them. However, Katie has told me that she actually wants me to blog these things, so here we go. All of them up to this point.

April 25th - TO BLOG

Well, it took two weeks, but I’m becoming known for being the girl who has the same sense of humor as a twelve year old boy.

Things that I think are funny:

1. The concept of a Gremlin jumping out of a zit/sore on your back
2. The phrase “Will do, Captain Kangaroo!”
3. Laughing every time I see the phrase “bullethole camera” and then telling everyone I laugh every time I see the phrase “bullethole camera”.. oh, and then talking about using a bullethole camera for undercover monitoring
4. Referring to “Babba Ganouj” as a place on the human body

April 30 - TO BLOG

Katie sees a coworker looking at her lolcat article that she cut out of the globe and mail and posted on her corkboard

Katie: Joe can’t believe that I actually laugh at those. I’m probably the only person in the world that isn’t sick of these yet. Like, I look at them every day and laugh.

Coworker: I didn’t realize that there are people that actually exist that look at those things.

Katie: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Coworker: Like, I thought that was the joke…that people actually look at those. I didn’t think the pictures actually existed…. I thought the joke was that the people who would find that funny, they exist.

May 26 - TO BLOG

Today they gave me a labelmaker at work.

The first order of business? Putting “PROPERTY OF BART SIMPSON” on the label maker.

July 4 - TO BLOG

Coworker [walking by]: Are you listening to The Cure?

Katie: Yeah.

Coworker: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[Coworker walks away]

Katie: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

July 7 - TO BLOG

Katie says:
when you gonna look at those isc’s for me?

Brian… says:
gime a moment

Katie says:
NO

Katie says:
NO MOMENTS

Katie says:
go back and time and have it done for me

Katie says:
88 MPH

Brian… says:
88 MPH?

Kate [out loud]: BACK TO THE FUTURE, BRO!

July 7 - TO BLOG

Coworker: I always forget, is “Internet” with a capital I or lowercase i?

Katie: Captial I.

Coworker: Ok, thanks.

Katie: Respect.

Coworker: Pardon?

Katie: Capital I for Internet. It demands respect. It DESERVES respect.

Coworker: ….Ok, thanks.

Kate: No one here gets my jokes, do they?

Other coworker: Jokes? I just thought you were weird.

July 30 - TO BLOG

Today I received this sentence in an e-mail:

“Now you know CHINA is having OLYMPIC Games, so all the FRIEGHT need to checked “

Which results in me capitalizing NOUNS in SENTENCES in pretty much every EMAIL I send to COWORKERS.

Also:

Katie: Rich, check out the label on this box I got in the mail.

Rich [reads]: “Frangible product, pls handle carfully” ?

Katie: “Frangible” is probably the best word ever invented.

Rich: Yeah, that’s definitely an invented word.

Katie [grabs scissors]: I am cutting this label out and putting it on the bulletin board. Seriously, China is so rad.

Rich: I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to appreciate a job more than you do.

UPDATE: FRANGIBLE IS ACTUALLY A REAL WORD?!?!?!?

Katie - get your rib on at montebello park this weekend says:
holy crap, frangible is actually a real word

Katie - get your rib on at montebello park this weekend says:
we got out-englished by a chinadude

Katie - get your rib on at montebello park this weekend says:
i was gonna say “chinaman” but I’m pretty sure that’s still considered a racial slur

July 30 - TO BLOG

Katie gets a phone call from the president of the company, who is in the lunch room

Katie: Hey, what’s up?

President: Did you know that they have like, a jetpack now?

Katie: …. Yeah?

President: Yeah, like a commercial one that you can like, actually buy.

Katie: Really.

President: Yeah. It’s not like a backpack or anything, it’s made up of like, 6 cylinders or whatever…

Katie can hear the people in the lunch room start laughing

President: Sorry, these guys are laughing at me.

Katie as straight-faced as she can: Why?

President: I don’t know, they’re stupid. Anyway, yeah, it can only go like, 30 miles or something. And you don’t wear it like a backpack, it’s.. more people laughing Ah forget it. hangs up

30 seconds later, the president is at Katie’s desk

President: So anyway, yeah, you don’t strap it on, you like… get in it.

Katie: Oh yeah?

President: Yeah

Pause

President: So, could you look into it for me?

Katie: Yeah, of course!

People around them start laughing hysterically

President: Yeah, they’re like $100,000 or something.

Katie: So I guess you’re just gonna get five, then?

President: Why am I the only one taking this seriously?

That pretty much sums up Katie’s job for the last couple months.

Blogging from bed.
Still haven’t gotten over how awesome it is
To be blogging from bed.

Everyone in the world, go buy an iPod touch. Your butt will thank you for it.

Also, it’s nice to spend my Friday night alone in bed playing bookworm in the dark.

I’m actually being 100% serious

Seriously, I love when I am at home and am happy because I do fun things on the internet and blog like I’m the number 1 stockholder of the internet.

katie:  So I’m in the breakroom yesterday reading the paper, and I see the advice column that’s about a woman getting married who wants a super low-key wedding but her Mom is all bustin’ in and wanting to plan all this stuff and paying for all this stuff the woman doesn’t want.

mom: *pause* mmm hmm…

katie: so I’m reading this column and am like “wow, I am looking forward to this advice.  I am interested on what someone has to say about this situation.

mom: *longer pause* mmm hmmm…

katie: and the advice lady said that the Mom should get to plan a ‘wedding party’ that takes place right before the honeymoon or right after, and the mom is allowed to be all no-holds-barred and plan as much fancy shit as she wants, and the daughter isn’t allowed to complain or do anything.  BUT the Mom has to agree to keep her ass out of the wedding planning.

mom: *even longer pause* yeah, I guess that’s reasonable advice.

kate: So last night I have this dream where we agreed to that, you and me.  So you have your party, and here I am at your party, in a super fancy wedding gown with diamonds AND pearls all over it…. and your party is in a CHURCH, and at this party you make me and Joe re-enact saying our vows, and you videotape it and a pro photographer takes pictures of me and him all dressed up.

mom: *lauhgs*  I like that, because when you were telling me that woman’s advice, I thought “I can just make her dress up in a wedding gown because it’s my party and she’d have to”

katie: Ugh, if you want a fancy wedding you can come to the future and get married.  I’ll go back in time and date dad because he didn’t want a wedding, so we can just sit around and watch action movies instead.

mom: Ok Katie, that’s kind of weird.

kate: Oh come on.

mom: you want to go back in time and date your father?

kate: Oh come on.  Oooooooooooh, Sigmund Freeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuud!  Oedipus complex!  What are you, the nineteenth century?  I’m all TWENTIFIRST CENTURY HUMOR.  Mom and Dad jokes all over the place!  Get with the NOW.

mom: Oh, shut up Katie.

kate: haha, I LOVE YOU MOM.

mom: yeah yeah.

I am sorry, but those giant rolls of toilet paper are fucking unreasonable.  3 rolls of toilet paper all wound up in one?  That is just ridiculous.

PUT IT IN THE PILE OF RAZORS WITH TWENTY SEVEN BLADES.

Ugh, I apologize…currently I resent every product that has ever been made because I now have seen the process in which they are produced.

Today I had to sit in on a marketing/packaging meeting that makes me hate everything there is to hate about business.  Believe it or not, I become pissed off and disinterested in things very quickly, so I am not the best candidate to chair meetings where people spend 45 minutes fighting over whether we use the word “Global” or “International” in the title, only for when we almost reach a resolution someone pipes in “what about ‘Multicultural’?”

THE ANSWER IS PICK ONE AND PUT IT ON THE BOX.  I’M THE WRITER, I EDIT THE FILE, I HAVE FINAL SAY AND MY FINAL SAY IS JUST PICK ONE AND PUT IT ON THE GOD DAMN BOX

“Hmm, I think we should change ‘numerous’ to ‘multiple’”

“I think we should change ‘multiple’ to many”

“Hey, why not change all of that to SEVENTEEN, because that’s how many there are”

Guess which one of those quotes was me.

I love my job, but I am NOT a meeting person.  It doesn’t bother me that whatever I put gets changed until it’s not even recognizable that it’s mine anymore.  I don’t have enough of an emotional attachment to cameras and baby monitors to really give a shit.  I just hate spending however many hours of my day watching a roomfull of men have a verbal dick measuring contest over baby vs. child vs. toddler (they all just seem so EXCLUSIVE) when I could be sitting at my desk in the corner, quietly listening to Ted Leo and reading emails that start out with

“Katie.!  Thanks you for your mail. always I am glad to have your mail.  Hear is response to your mail which was sent to me yesterday. Sorry for late reply, I always try reply soonest!”

See, you didn’t even GET that email and you’re smiling.  What if I told you the person who sent you that is NAMED Smile?  And a few times a day you have a window that pops up and says “New Message from Smile”.  I AM ALWAYS HAPPY TO GET MESSAGES FROM SMILE.

CHINA IS SO FUCKING RAD, DUDE.  SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

that hasn’t already been said a million times on the internet?

As ridiculously lame as it sounds, my favourite part about the movie wasn’t the movie, but when things started to get really intense Joe’s eyes almost bugged out of his head and he was sitting leaned forward with his tshirt pulled up to his mouth, chewing on it like he would die if the whole thing didn’t unfold at that exact moment.

Maybe that’s a start.

So, what’s new?  They hired a new guy at work who is super nice and about 900 billion times more awkward than I am, so it’s kind of nice to have the heat taken off me a little bit.  

I do like my work, but because everyone is the same age (and we’re all pretty young) everyone is in the ‘wooooo party on the weekend! let’s all hang at the bars together! anyone that doesn’t won’t have anything to talk about in the lunch room all week!’ kind of mentality, so it ends up being very highschool-like where the ‘popular kids’ are easily grouped and the other kids are kind of separated from the mainstream and left to socialize in some way that doesn’t matter to everyone else.

My natural response to this is pretty much like it was in highschool: find two or three people that I really really like and get along with and avoid the rest at all costs.  But this time it’s not because they’re pricks and they’ve been a dillhole to me for the last 10 years…I don’t hate them or anything, it’s just the same uneasy feeling of not fitting in, which slides into having no real desire to make the effort.

I’m not really a social being, which is something some people just haven’t figured out about me yet.  I think spending most of my childhood on a farm, where I was my only friend (because my brother, like all brothers, got sick of me after about 20 seconds) has a lot to do with it.  I learned to keep myself occupied when no one was around, and when it got to the point that I was with other kids I was just picked on or teased anyway… I learned to like it just being by myself.

Sure, it’s however many years later, and I haven’t had anyone call me dyke or King Kong Katie in a while, but I guess that general feeling of uneasiness sticks around. 

Being out of university is a bit of a jolt, too.  Instead of crossing paths with hundreds of people in a day in classes, walking in the halls, lining up for food etc., I pretty much just wake up, go sit in the office with the 5 other people in my section, and then come home to the 1 person who lives in my apartment with me.  I’m back in farm mode, I guess, and I think I’ve gotten so used to it that when you put me in any situation other than farm mode I’m back to that feeling of being an outsider and not really belonging.

Throw in the fact that now whenever I go to concerts, the grocery store, the mall, or anywhere that has more than 5 people in a room I feel incredibly nervous and constricted… yeah, I know, I haven’t seen any of you guys in months.